Migrate II

Change is one of those mystical phenomenons that most aren’t aware of until the transformation is complete.  One knows where the journey began, but all the intricate details of how one got from there to here are lost on most if not all. How someone got to where they are now standing is a mystery – a complicated and magical happening that many don’t have the clues to solve. A puzzle to everyone except the one it involves. And in the few months since my departure from The ‘Burgh, I’ve realized that I didn’t just leave my hometown, I’ve left behind so much more.

Quite often I find myself lost in thought running around in circles as I try to pinpoint those exact moments when I detached. I desperately try to hold onto those fleeting fragments of time so that I can examine them more closely as I seek answers to my seemingly unending questions. And when I do make those enlightening discoveries I contemplate my former decisions and wonder if I should have let go sooner or perhaps waited a little longer. Either way, I am no longer connected. 

I moved on.

The shimmering moments become crystal clear as I emotionally and physically find myself being carried away to somewhere other than there. I am unsure of exactly where it is I am headed but certain that where I used to reside, I no longer dwell. What I do know and have come to innerstand is that as I look back to last year, last month, and last week, I see that I couldn’t be further away from where I used to live and from where I used to “live.”

I migrated.

I’ve migrated from my desire to want to be anywhere else.

I’ve migrated from my need to share.

I’ve migrated from my need to stay.

I’ve migrated from where we were.

I’ve migrated from the feeling of discomfort.

I’ve migrated from an otherworldly level of pain.

I’ve migrated from when we were.

I’ve migrated from overcompensation.

I’ve migrated from the need to be understood.

I’ve migrated from impossibility.

I’ve migrated from the pressure.

I’ve migrated from the need to apologize.

I’ve migrated from explanation.

I’ve migrated from guilt.

I’ve migrated from that place those tears have shed.

And, I’ve migrated from where you are.

I wish I felt compelled to pen my many migrations as I ruminate over the myriad of ways from which I’ve migrated — a kaleidoscope of thoughts on a life that always truly evolves.  But, I don’t. I’ve been taken far, far away from where I used to be and all the ways I used to be. I now make my home in unchartered places that, at times, unbeknownst to me, I’ve found I’ve migrated to.

Migrate

In all the years of my life, I am most grateful to have gained the wisdom to discern what is right for me and what is not, when to cry “uncle” and when not to, and when to say “goodbye” and when to say “hello.”  After years of an ever-present and growing feeling of discomfort, confinement, boredom and stagnation, I surrendered. I couldn’t do “it” anymore. I didn’t have it in me to fight. I didn’t want to stay. I cried “uncle” so I didn’t have to cry anymore.

The past year and a half was spent preparing for my moment of farewell, not just a “see you soon,” but a long goodbye, as I’ve realized it was time for me to move on, and away, for good. It was now or never. It was life or death.  On March 6, 2009, I chose life as I made my way from Western Pennsylvania to Southern California, leaving everything familiar behind me while taking with me all that has defined me thus far.

I can’t begin to describe the feeling as I made my transition from right to left; it’s a feeling, many feelings, that words will fail to describe, as it must be experienced firsthand — the uprooting and replanting, the shifting of mind, body, and spirit as it adjusts to a new familiar which, before I arrived was already a place I called “home.” I wish I could describe it and paint you the picture with my words, but I’ve learned that some things of beauty shall remain as they are.

Moving on is an adventure that most are not prepared for emotionally; it is a journey of numerous joys, sorrows, and epiphanies as one learns and makes their way in their own way. It’s a trying time as one unloads their past and places it at the feet of their future, discarding what no longer holds meaning and treasuring what is irreplaceable. It’s a powerful time as one discovers that they’ve had it all along. It’s an awakening as longings and desires are uncovered and long-forgotten passions are pursued at last.

The minute I crossed the California State Line at 4:55 p.m. on Monday, March 9, was a moment like no other as I’ve realized just how far I’ve traveled, not just in making my way from the lush greenery of the Keystone State to the sandy beaches of the Golden State, but how far I’ve come in my life up to that very moment. An overwhelming sense of awe, pride, sadness, shock, apprehension, triumph, and joy commingled as I took in the sign that read “Welcome to California …”

And as I begin to slowly build my new life in Southern California I am continuing to realize that I have migrated not only from my former state of residence but from my many states of being …

To be continued…

Journey: The Hair

They say your hair is your crowning glory, and as long as I can remember I’ve had long relaxed hair that I’ve never given much thought. I never thought too much of my hair because it was always there and it always did what I wanted it to. I never really complained about my hair other than to say that it was time for a relaxer again, and off I would go to the salon to see my favorite stylist, and I would walk out 2.5 hours later pleased with my hair back to its normal and manageable state.

Like most young girls and young women, I liked to experiment with different looks, and over the years my hair has been through just about every style imaginable — from a jerry curl in elementary school, to finger waves in high school, to a long 18″ weave post-undergrad, to a hair cut post-grad in February 2008, which, for a very short time, was similar to that of superstar Rihanna. Since the trendy chop off in early 2008, I’ve let my hair grow and it went back to its lovely shoulder length relaxed state, but only to go through yet another evolution.

As I’ve stated earlier, I’ve never given my hair much thought before, that is until sometime last year. For some reason, I started to grow weary of having to go to the salon and have a relaxer put in just to complain the same day (and for weeks) that my hair is too flat, as I really like my hair to look full bodied and not be flat to my head. I would then wait a couple of weeks and eventually wave my hair with a wave iron or I would wash and braid my hair and let the braids out for a ‘crinkle’ look, (which, by the way, is one of my favorite looks on myself). But then I would run to the salon 8-10 weeks later to start the cycle all over again.

Yet, somehow the cycle came to an end and I haven’t had a relaxer since Mid-November 2008. The lack of a relaxer wasn’t done purposefully, it just happened because I wasn’t able to make it to my hair appointment. Once again I decided to wash and braid my hair and wear my favorite ‘crinkle’ look until I was able to make to the salon for a relaxer. But instead of counting down the weeks until my next appointment, I spent the past several months thinking about my hair as I’ve never truly thought about it before. 

I decided many months ago that I would really consider going natural once I move to California as it would better suit my lifestyle and truly reflect my style preference and overall personality — but being without a relaxer since the fall made me question my decision to wait until the spring. I began to educate myself regarding natural hair, and the more I read and the more I was taught, the more excited, empowered, and confident I was in my decision to let go of the Lye, and just last week, I made my decision to end the vicious Lye cycle. Finally, I am letting my hair, in all of its glory, do what it is naturally meant to do and I’m eagerly anticipating the journey.

Joining

The New Year 2009 is here and to say that I’m happy about it would be an understatement, as I spent 2008 preparing for this year. I have many exciting and life-changing goals lined up and though I won’t reveal what they are just yet, they do exist. I will see many changes take place in just a short couple of months, changes that will be new experiences for me and changes that will be joining together the me of my life’s dreams with the me of the near future. 

The first change is this blog’s new theme design. I wanted to do something new and different with this blog for 2009, and that was to personalize it; there will be more new blog features and enhancements on the way. This update is the first of many on a long list of projects and goals for the new year that will hopefully come into fruition. 

Join me on my journey in 2009 … as it, and I, promise to be Always Truly Evolutionary.

Dozen

This year started without much fanfare as I was still regrouping from the previous year’s heartache and hard knocks. Nothing could have prepared me for what 2007 brought to my life and the amazing ways in which it stretched my heart and mind to make them bigger and stronger than they once were. I’ve grown in many ways that I could have not imagined nor have expected, ways in which only those close to me could differentiate the me from the me of years past, and I have many people to thank for that, and I have.

Thankfully, the year 2008 was no different. 

As with most New Year promises, I began 2008 with steel determination to do better than the last, and to take everything that happened to me in 2007, the great experiences and the worst experiences, and do something with them. To make the painful and joyful moments mean something, for them to have not been in vain, and for them to have not been wasted and to make them count for something, even if they only matter to me. I’m pleased to say that I’ve accomplished that much and more. But I’m humble enough to know that I didn’t do it alone.

The lessons I’ve learned this year are plentiful, but the most important of all, and the ones that I feel the most compelled to share, are the dozen listed below. 

1.  Truth: It’s a hard pill to swallow, and it doesn’t get any easier as you get older. But it’s worth the pain. It’s worth it to know that it is what it is and it can’t be anything else. No matter how one tries to spin it, adorn it, color it, and slice it, the core of it will always remain intact. It may take years to uncover it, but it will be there when you, or the ones you love, are ready to peel away the layers in which it has remained hidden. Facing the truth of whom and what you are can be the most difficult, the most powerful, and the most enlightening thing that one can do. 
2. Change: It’s inevitable. You can try to run from it, but it catches up with you each and every time. You can try as hard as you can to keep things the same and comfortable, but change is an unstoppable force that no one can reckon with. It’s scary as all hell and can eat you alive if you allow it to. It can drain you, stress you, depress you, anger you, and manipulate you. But change is life. And change is death. There is no separating the two. 
3. Love: It can grow in the most deserted of places. It can sneak up on you and steal your heart without missing a beat. It is the most beautiful when you know that even when you let it go, it is still there. It is the most beautiful when you know that you don’t have to own it to posses it. It is the most beautiful when you know that nothing in the world can compare. It is the most beautiful when you know that it can be neither emulated nor duplicated. And it’s the most stunning when you know that you don’t have to receive it to give it and you don’t have to give it to receive it.
4. Words: They can heal the deepest of wounds. Whether the words are written, spoken, or sung, they can be the balm to your heart’s oldest scars. They can open the eyes of the blind and make them see things that they didn’t know were there. They can move the most stubborn of souls, and bring to life what was once declared dead. Words can build, and words can destroy. It’s all in what you say, or don’t say, that can make all the difference in your words … and in your world.
5. Home: It’s not always where you’re from or even where you are. Home can be found in places you’ve never been before and it can be found in a destination you’ve only visited once. It’s a sense of peace, belonging, warmth, ease, and awareness that you don’t feel when you’re anywhere else in the world but there. It’s an incredible exhaling of a breath that you didn’t know you were holding. It’s a place like no other. I’m blessed to have found home in many places and in many forms. 
6. Relationships:  Relationships are passages in personal evolution. Relationships are life-affecting and life-altering. Relationships are a responsibility, and once you commit to another person, you are in a lot of ways responsible for that person’s well-being. This year I chose not to get into another relationship for that reason alone. However, I’ve learned so much about myself in each and every one I’ve been in prior. I’ve learned what works for me and what doesn’t. I’ve learned what I will and will not tolerate. I’ve learned the difference between what I need and what I want. I’ve also learned that I don’t necessarily have to be in one just because the opportunity is there and just because it is what the other person wants. Above all else, I’ve re-learned that the best and the most important relationship is the one I have with myself.
7. Past: It belongs exactly where its name indicates. In 2008 I reconciled with my past and I said goodbye to the issues, drama, people, and circumstances of the past that have threatened to choke hold my future. It amazes me how so many people let their past drive their future. It’s so sad to see people allow others to ‘box’ them because of who they once were or the mistakes they’ve once made. Truth be told, it really holds no bearing on one’s future, as so many people tend believe. It doesn’t define you and keep you in that labeled box never to let you out to grow, and change, and evolve into a different being entirely. Simply put, the past is a path to get one to his or her ultimate destin(y)nation, and it’s there for you to look behind at it to see how far you’ve come to get to the point where you are now.
8.  Maturity: It’s not determined by one’s age, but by one’s experiences and overall outlook on life. It’s not determined by one’s responsibilities such as being a mother or father, and it’s not determined by one’s profession, but by the importance and value they place on life and that responsibility. And it’s not determined by one’s education and book knowledge or common knowledge, but by the wisdom one’s gained through the joy and pains of life and the lessons learned and passed on to others. This year, I’ve been pleasantly surprised by the maturity of some people in my life and I was completely disappointed in the lack of maturity in others.  
9. Fear: As we get older, we become more afraid of a lot of things, and that youthful fearlessness that we once exuded slowly fades away with time. We become hesitant to participate in activities that we would ordinarily jump at the chance when given. We no longer view opportunities for what they truly are and instead we view them as risks. We weigh the consequences and repercussions of any decision rather than ‘go for broke’.  Eventually just about everything is seen from a cautious and discerning eye and we become jaded. Life and people tend to put the ‘fear of God’ into us causing us to become crippled or paralyzed by its power.  This year, I’ve learned that fear can either make you fully aware that you are alive or it can kill you slowly.
10. Control: It’s easy to lose and hard to regain. It can be lost as quickly as it is found. It can also be hard to maintain in the most tempting, difficult, extreme, and desperate of situations.  I’ve spent this year fighting to regain control over my emotions, relationships, appearance, and my writing, and I’ve spent this year letting go my need to control my emotions,  relationships,  and my writing.  It’s a constant pushing and pulling and it’s a constant balancing act.  One has to learn to give a little now and again to gain anything at all.
11. Friends: They are few and far between. They can be counted on one hand. This year I’ve found friendship in places that I’ve least expected, and I’ve lost friendships with people whom I thought to be really good friends and did not expect to lose. I can honestly say that I always had high expectations of what a friend should be, how this person would participate in my life, and what they would bring to our friendship table. Somewhere along the way, I’ve lost sight of what I valued in relationships such as these. In the past, I would settle for what they were willing to give instead of waiting for something genuine and reciprocal. Though the true friends I have are low in number, they are more than anyone could ask for.
12. Time:  It gets away from many of us more than we are willing to admit. It’s wasted by most us on an hourly, daily, weekly, monthly, and yearly basis. We are only reminded of how much time has gone by on our birthday, by running into someone we haven’t seen in “x” amount of years, by seeing our cousins who have seemed to age  right before our eyes, and we are reminded on events such as  New Year’s Eve and holidays such as New Year’s Day. Time, so many of us believe that we have all the time in the world, when in actuality we truly don’t know how much time we really do have. I’ve learned the hard way, not only this year, but in the year previous. Time is a gift that many of us take for granted. We believe that we will be gifted all the time we want and need. We put off everything that we truly, truly want to do with our lives, our relationships, our health, our finances, our careers, our friends, and our time; because we so naively believe that we have more of it. In 2008, I’ve learned that time is priceless, and I’ve learned that it is all I really want and need to do the things that I truly want to do and need to do in, and with, my life. Above all else, in 2008, I was reminded of how much value I place on my time and how grateful and how blessed I am to those who chose to spend their precious time with, and on, me.

The year 2008 was a wonderful year of learning (and re-learning) a dozen significant lessons in this amazing journey called life. I will take these hard learned and hard earned lessons into 2009, grateful for the knowledge and blessed with the time to have learned them all. 

Delusions

I had a good laugh today, a really good laugh today — actually laughed out loud and no one else was around me. I don’t know, I just find humor in the simplest things that life has to offer. And what I find rather hilarious lately are certain individual’s failed attempts to hurt me. No, not physically, but emotionally and psychologically. 

Yes, it is rather funny to watch as they scramble to find and create ways in which to inflict harm. People come up with a wild assortment of ideas and partake in the craziest plans to do me damage as if anything that they put into action will cause me a lifetime or even a week of pain. I’m sorry, but I hate to break it to you all, but, no, you’re not that powerful.

Whatever or whoever gave you the impression that you’re uber important or on some other level sh*t should be b*tch slapped for creating such a delusional monster. If the situations weren’t so damn comical, I would be upset, angry, or even bitter. But somehow I just can’t stop giggling at the childish games that people play.

You see, I laugh because of my knowledge that only children play games, and I’m highly amused by the people who play them.

Removing yourself from my life did not make me weak but stronger. It did not make me cry, but smile. It did not bring heartache but unexpected pleasure. Your leaving was not a form of punishment, but a reward and recognition, because it just proved to me that I was right all along. And, not being there for me didn’t make me flail, falter, or fail, but succeed at so many things in so many different ways.  

But, just so you know … for the record, the silent treatment is a tactic that only works when someone truly doesn’t care at all; I’m sorry that it’s not working for you. I truly am.

Yeah, those delusions of grandeur, they get ya every time.

Deal

It seems as if perception is becoming a much discussed concept as of late. I’ve been given what some would consider to be sound advice from people who tell me to “be careful not to do this because you don’t want to be perceived as that, and be careful not to say this because you don’t want to give the perception of that,” so much so that it has become rather amusing. I find humor not just in their misguided words of wisdom, but in the people who are making the attempt to guide me; because it never fails that the people who need to take the advice the most are the people who always give it. 

What I find the most amusing is that perception is something that I don’t need to be schooled on. I truly don’t need people who are positioned higher than me trying to explain or define perception as if I have never been on the receiving end of other people’s inaccurate observations, including their own.

I have been perceived as many of things, some were accurate but most were not: stuck up, snobby, ‘white,’ ‘ghetto,’ bitchy, shy, serious, bored, annoyed, flirtatious, slutty, dumb, nerdy, naive, liar, backstabber, eye roller, man stealer, player, ’saddity,’ charming, funny, bright, beautiful, ugly, fat, skinny, intelligent, witty, talented, weird, and talentless. These are just some of the many ways in which I’ve been (and still am) thought to be over the years. Whereas in the past I would be perturbed by the numerous accusations and gross misperceptions, I am nowhere near as bothered by it all as most people expect me to be. Being wrongly pegged and incorrectly accessed is the norm for me and it is something that, growing up, I have learned to accept with a smirk.

Perception is one’s reality and it is skewed by life experiences and personality. That’s the reality of perception. However unfortunate it may be, the reality of perception is something that each of us has to deal with whether we want to or not. But what I find the most unfortunate is that the majority of people do not have that insight into the raw truth of who we are and the unadorned facts that makeup our lives. Therefore, we are all victims of misperception, and we just have to deal. That’s just life, whether you perceive it to be or not.

Done

I have been counting down for a while now. Counting down the months, weeks, and days until most things change, while wondering what will remain the same. Questioning my decision to make this choice. Yet, knowing that there was never really a choice to be made. 

I have spent a lot of my life waiting. Waiting for the right time. Waiting for the perfect opportunity. Waiting until I got that degree, then this degree, as if obtaining those things would make things right, perfect, and timely. At times I wanted to wait until it wouldn’t just be me but we who would do this together. And I’ve waited for no other reason than to wait.

I wait no more.

I can’t stick around to see how much things will change if they change at all. I won’t stick around because things inevitably get better with time. I refuse to stick around to see where this would take me. I can’t stay because you, them, and damn near everyone I know wants me to stay but none of you know why I should. I won’t stay to keep from taking risks because honestly, staying is more of a risk than leaving. And I refuse to stay because no one else has left (with success).

Today marks three months until I move from right to left. Mostly everyone I know has tried to talk me out of this. Yet, I’m done. 

I’m done with trying to make something work when it wasn’t a good fit to begin with.

I’m done crying over things that I have no control over.

I’m done with pretending that all of this is OK when I know that it is nowhere near fine with me.

I’m done wishing I were somewhere else other than here, for so many reasons outside of the obvious.

I’m done with the stress of settling for less and postponing my best. 

I’m done shouldering the mental responsibility of them.

I’m done ‘hiding,’ fighting, trying, lying, and ‘dying.’ 

I’m done for the best reason … for me to be done with it all.

New

As I was walking out the double doors of the gym that I frequent on the daily basis, with my IPod hanging around my neck and the accompanying white headphones plugged in my ears,  I wasn’t paying much attention to who was walking in front, behind, or beside me as per the usual I was listening to music. I was so caught up in the rhythm of the song that I almost didn’t hear a forty something year old white man, who was in front of me, yell something in my direction. However, the hesitant smile that slowly emerged on his face made me press pause on my Shuffle and pay him close attention. 

You see, he yelled “Obama!” with a smile that was becoming a grin. He had such a light in his eyes — a light that I recognize, but one that I’ve mostly found in the eyes of my fellow African-Americans. As most see it as ‘our’ victory and we recognize and acknowledge each other with a smile that most would think was for no reason. Or most would assume that we’re smiling at someone we already know — and in a way we are. (Well, most of us are, anyway.)

The nearing-middle age white man followed his shout of “Obama” with a question that was more of statement, as he correctly assumed that he knew the answer. “Let me guess, you were for Obama, right? I was too!” he said with enthusiasm. His excitement was contagious, and I began to glow under his light. My initial defensive reaction to a white man yelling something, which at first sound seemed incoherent, faded and was replaced with growing interest. 

You see, I live in Pennsylvania — Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania to be more precise. And although this state recently changed its color from Red to Blue, the area in which my gym is located is predominantly White. (The area is filled with upper middle class residents — doctors, lawyers, and even a few professional athletes take residence.) Rarely do I find myself in conversation with members of this gym, unless it is another African-American female who is happy to see another African-American female in membership. (I am usually one of few, which is normal for me.) The only communication that exists between me and the dominant presence is when someone wants to know if I am done or about to use equipment. So, it is no surprise that I found myself surprised by this turn of events. 

This man and I continue out the doors and stand in the parking lot together as he continues to share his thoughts on Obama winning the election. “This is great!” he says almost shouting. “It’s like a whole new America now!” and he smiles, this time without hesitation. I stare for a moment, and then nod slowly and announce my agreement, “Yes, it is.” He walks toward his car as I slowly turn to walk toward mine. I stop and smile and say, “Enjoy the rest of your day.” He smiles at me and says, “Thank you! You too.” I open my car door and take my seat at the wheel, thoughts running as fast as the engine, as I grab my BlackBerry to text a friend the story. I ended the story with “Funny.”

Why “funny”? Because as much as I would like to think of this as a simple encounter, it begs the question: Is this simply a white man engaging a black woman in conversation, or is this the result of what I like to call “The Obama Effect?” You decide. I’ve made my decision.

Necessary

There are things that are no longer the same. That’s a blanket statement, I know, but there is no other way to say it without going into minute detail of which is no real importance except to me. I can’t say when exactly these particular changes occurred, but they did, and I’m glad they did at the time that they did.

My tolerance level for certain people, things, and activities is not on the level that it was once. And I should be grateful. I used to be able to shoulder a lot, all of which was some variation of nonsense that I could have done without, but I can’t do it anymore. And as a matter of fact, I don’t. 

At times I wish I could pinpoint the exact moment(s) that I knew that it was over and that something wasn’t going to be anymore. When I knew that there is not a next time on the horizon. Because if I could pinpoint it, I would know for the next time. I would know when something or someone was unwittingly approaching that invisible line that was bound to be crossed. But, it’s hard to wish for something that wasn’t necessarily there to begin with. 

Eventually, and over varying periods of time, I realized that I didn’t need that person, those people, and those things in my life. And I don’t. I didn’t need to do that anymore, so I stopped. I didn’t need to hear that anymore, so I quit listening. I can’t and won’t live like that any longer, so I don’t.  There is ’stuff’ that can’t be a part of my life, not in any form, so it is not.

Yes, I’ve made a lot of decisions lately and will continue to make even more. And these decisions, these thoughtful and life altering changes are as necessary to me as I am to me.