Harmonizing – SimplyHarmony.com

I was ready to write again. I had it all planned out — everything I wanted to say, all of the topics that I wanted to explore. I was happy to share once again. I was ready to ”sit at a [computer] and open a vein” as they say. I was ready to re-enter the world, my world as I see it in and through my words.  I wanted to recount the past two months bullet point by bullet point. I was ready. But I’m not ready to do that now. Something came up on Friday to change my direction and shift my focus … temporarily or permanently I still can’t tell yet. Do I or don’t I have cancer? I’ll find out on Monday. I’ll just have to wait until Monday. I feel as though I’m trapped in glass and waiting to be let out …

I’ll always remember:

wine, music, laughing, smiling, epiphany after epiphany, Target, “goodbye,” Michelle, getting lost, parking spaces, macaroons, and you.

I’ve been thinking a lot about a lot of different things lately — not that it’s unusual for me, as I am almost in a constant mode of reflection — it’s just that due to a specific situation, my mind hasn’t ceased to bring about some new revelations and deeper innerstandings of myself and my self. In those moments of introspection and clarity I’ve come to realize…

• I miss the rain. I miss the cleansing and renewing of the mind and spirit that rain can bring about. I deeply miss those connected moments with nature. 
• A few of the people whom I thought I was close to are nothing more than fair-weather.  How disappointing.
• My well of strength runs much deeper than I could have ever imagined.
• As much as I would like for this not to be true at times, nothing lasts forever.
• Certain people will never care.
• Mistakes are simply moments in time. I wish I was a time traveler …
• Writing and wine are a good pair.
• Age is wisdom in numbers … for some people.
• Certain people will always disappoint. Yet despite the chronic letdowns, I don’t know why I am surprised .
• This may not be it for me.
• He truly does heal me in ways that no one else ever could.
• I no longer feel the desire to have certain conversations.
• I need a break from some of my activites, and I’m taking one now.
• The things I love are the things I love, and the things I don’t like, I will never like. The same goes for people.
• I am in love with authenticity.
• I am figuring it out — all of it.
• I find the lesson(s) in everything.
• I still don’t have much to say to someone who doesn’t who don’t have much to say in the first place.
• I have a lot to write.
• Without the support of a certain someone, I don’t think I would have made it out of the situation with such positivity and hope.
• I have changed in ways that I thought I already had. I’ve also changed in ways that I never thought I would.
• I have a new appreciation for all that is and all that was.
• I am fully committed to giving my all.
• I can make it through the rain.

I was built on a rocky foundation. Completely unstable. One could say it was as if I were built on sand, and I wouldn’t argue because they would be correct. I never had a platform on which to stand, a foundation upon which I could build something other than castles made of sand. Yet, I tried anyway. I built many of castles of various shapes and sizes in hopes that the newly erected would outlast the previously demolished, but to no avail.  I should not have been surprised that said castles of sand would not withstand the whispering winds of trouble or the mist of a brewing storm, but I was. I never understood, but now I do. Now, I do.

I’m caught in a sandstorm of life that seemingly has no end to its fury. Everything that I built thus far was, and still is, just one gust of wind away from crumbling. I know that. And I stand patiently awaiting its fall. It’s only a matter of time. And I wait. I wait.

I wait because I refuse to fight for things that can be so easily carried away. I wait because I know better than to fight the inevitable. I know better than to fight forces that are stronger than any one being. I wait because I no longer want to construct things of sand. I need something more solid, something that will not slip through my fingers. 

And I’m still waiting because there are still some things that need to be washed away with little traces of their existence in order for me to rebuild something of substance. I will wait until I am only left with their shadows to remind me.  I will wait for the shadows.

I want to be reminded of the times that I found myself in a battle with nature, in a battle with some forces being as seductive as an ocean breeze. I want to be reminded of the times I was lured by the promise of a promise and the times that I was hope-filled only to be let down again and again. And I don’t know why but I want to be reminded of the times that I would sometimes believe that this time would be different than the last, that this castle would be stronger, that this foundation I stood on would somehow become more firm, that these people I encountered, engaged, and was enamored with were built of something tough and sturdy that didn’t shift with the sand. But with sand in my eye, I walked blindly into the quicksand.  Yet this time, this last time, I struggled, and I pulled, and I pushed as I tried to escape. And I did escape, scathed and raw. I want to be reminded of those times, those times I did escape. I did escape, and I want to be reminded.

As time passes like sand through an hourglass, I will find myself standing in the shadows of what is no longer there. I will stand in the shadows of what is no longer. In these shadows you will find me firmly standing.

But right now, I would like to think back to a time called yesterday. Yesterday I watched as my foot sunk deeper and deeper into the wet sand. I was amused at its quick descent and I smiled as I freed myself from nature’s embrace. If only all of life’s trappings were so easy to break free from. If only…

If only I were built on a solid foundation…

Believe it or not, I am still sick.  Ugh.  I was feeling so badly last night and this morning that I went to Urgent Care this morning because I was fearful that I had pneumonia, but it turned out that I have an ear infection and a sinus infection. Yuck. The doctor gave me 10 days worth of an antibiotic,  so I should be on my way back to healthy in just a matter of days. I wish I could write a little bit more, but I am so depleted of energy.