Harmonizing – SimplyHarmony.com

The year is coming to a close and as each day passes I find myself retreating to my inner sanctuary. And as I do with all my projects that are near completion, I find myself retracing the steps that led me to this particular point in time. There isn’t much that hasn’t happened this year to have caused me to re-direct my focus and energy. This time last year I was working toward different goals and my outlook on my life and its direction was ever so clear to me. If you had asked me what it was I wanted and where I saw myself, I would have been able to recite a list of things and would have laid out my one-, two-, and three-year plans. Ask me now, and my answer would not come so easily.

Life is extraordinary, but it can also be completely unpredictable. I can’t even begin to express the shock, denial, and sadness that I felt a few months ago when I learned that a former colleague of mine had passed away. I was in a state of complete disbelief. I knew she suffered from several ailments, but nothing life threatening. The last time I saw her was on my last day of work at that company. And as we hugged and parted ways for what would be the last time, I wished for her to leave that company soon; I wanted her to be happy. The stress from her job was making her miserable, physically and emotionally, and she recently learned from her doctor that the job stress could very well be what was contributing to her health problems. I knew she was very unhappy and wanted out of that company altogether. Time passed and we didn’t have that lunch date that we promised each other. The next time I heard her name was in a message about her passing. To this day I can’t drive in that part of town and not think of her. It saddens me to think of how unhappy she was in certain areas of her life and how different things could have been for her had she pushed to make them better. I often wonder how her family is doing and how they are coping. I can only hope for the best.

Ironically, I learned this week that a colleague of mine passed away over the weekend. Unfortunately, because of our schedules, I didn’t have the pleasure of meeting the young woman, but I’ve heard nothing but wonderful things about her. She was the best friend of another colleague; they grew up together, and naturally the best friend is completely devastated. My thoughts go out to her family and friends during this extremely difficult time. Her passing has affected everyone at work who knew or met her. I’m sure her passing has affected even those who never met her, even if only in a small way. Life is so short and you can’t predict what is to come next, and events like these only send that message that much stronger and that much clearer.

During times like these, people only briefly think about their own mortality, then the go about their days as they were before — unaffected and unconscious. As I grow older and experience the joys and sorrows of life, my mortality is often on the forefront of my mind. And if I were completely honest, I would have to admit that death has been a significant part of my life from the time I was young enough to understand what death and dying was — and how quickly life could be cut from a person. Upon learning that, I grew up ever fearful and ever so cautious of where I tread and who walked with me. I grew to experience life and my emotions and my surroundings more powerfully and deeper than before –everything affected me — and it still does in ways that are often inexplicable.

There are areas of my life in which I am thought to be overly cautious and other areas in which I am thought to be fearless. Recently I have realized that in some areas I need to be more courageous, yet I have still lived an intriguing life. Many of my life experiences are somewhat unbelievable to others –and because of that some people don’t know how I grew to be the woman that I am. Yet no one knows who I really am; the soul of who I am. Only a one or two people have that clear insight into the heart of me. Few understand my desire to retreat to my place of inner refuge on the regular and consistent basis. The inner pull I have to ’shutdown’ and withdrawal from others — away from the constant presence and noise of others — is so that I can heal, and grow, and evolve — my life ultimately depends on it. It’s time for me to go there again to gain clarity and enjoy these last two months of this year in soultide.

Growing up I’ve always enjoyed doing things by myself– walking around the neighborhood, sitting in the bedroom I shared with my younger sister and listening to the radio or my favorite tape, or hiding away somewhere in the house to read undisturbed. I’ve never found it unsettling or lonely to be alone – most times it is preferred to the company of others.

I do enjoy sharing and communicating with people of various backgrounds and lifestyles, but once I walk away from that group or person, I find comfort in hearing my own thoughts. The information and emotions that I receive from others needs time to process, because at times I find myself truly affected by others. However, it’s not a bother or a problem for me to be that affected and for me to need space, it is just who I am. In relationships, I find I am the same way.

Lately I’ve been asked by several different people “how is the single life is going,” and to me that is a little bit odd. It’s as if being single is something that is not to be enjoyed; it’s as if a relationship of any kind is valued more than being single and dating. I’ve been both single and coupled, and both suit me just fine. 

Although, most of my adulthood I’ve been involved in a committed relationship; I never sought them out, they just evolved. I never was the type of woman who needed to be in a relationship to feel special or worthy. I was fine being single and dating, and I was fine being in a relationship as well. I truly didn’t have a preference. I never felt that I needed to be attached to another person to have an identity — I always knew who I was and worked toward my goals and maintained and established my individuality. A relationship to me has always been extra, and as I get older, it is even moreso. However, not everyone views relationships the way that I do.

As the fall is edging into winter I’ve been hearing more and more men say that they like to have a woman around during these cold seasons. What I gather is that the warmth and caring of a female, almost any female, is preferred to these men than sleeping and spending these brisk seasons alone. Of course, that is something that I was somewhat surprised to hear. Are some men that needy that they will have company over just so that they don’t have to be alone in the ‘cold’ of life and its changing seasons? Or are they confusing being alone with feeling lonely? Either way, and whatever the reason, it seems that to some men being two is preferred to being one. 

As a thirty-something year-old woman, I am approached by men who are looking to settle down. Men who have male friends who are married with children. Men who are approaching their mid-thirties still single and without a relationship on the horizon. Coming out of a long-term relationship, I tell them that I am not looking for a relationship and that I’m only interested in dating. Some men are thrown off guard by my direct statement, but they do accept it. Other men try to persuade me to change my mind by using flattery and trying to ‘reason’ with me. And yet others view my sentiment with skepticism while thinking that perhaps it is a wall that I’ve built to protect myself; they end up making a vain attempt to scale the wall only to realize that the wall is not a wall at all, but indeed the solid structure that he first set eyes on.

As a single woman and as the former better half of a couple, what I’ve learned is that the strength one gains from solitude cannot be compared.  While most people are seeking the togetherness and acceptance of a group of some kind or  searching for their twin in a partner, I’ve always found what I truly needed when I was alone. My comfort in solitude and the countless times that I find enjoyment in being by myself apparently makes some people very uncomfortable. It seems to me that various people are looking for me to offer an explanation of sorts and an apology for my solitary ways, but I can’t apologize for who I’ve always been and the state of being that I’m comfortable with. While some will continue to argue that two will always be greater than one and that there is power in numbers, I stand by my belief that sometimes great wealth and true power is found when going back to one. 

At times I find myself in awkward situations in which I am left quite bewildered and baffled by the behaviour of those around me. This state of confusion that I find myself in doesn’t happen on the regular basis; it usually occurs when I enter into a new environment filled with people I’ve never met before but am forced to interact with because of the circumstances that brought us together.

Recently, I was taken aback, yet eventually amused, by the actions of one individual. This woman seemed to really support me and was impressed by my knowledge, education, and talent, so much so that she used nothing but positive words to describe me to others. She seemed to genuinely care about my professional aspirations and even went out of her way to offer me assistance in my endeavours. That is, until one day, I noticed the shift in her attitude — she became very short in her communication, she barely smiled at me or looked me in the eye for too long, and her reaction to anything I said or did was met with the proverbial cold shoulder. Needless to say, her behaviour was totally unexpected and came completely out of left field.

At first, I imagined that she was stressed about how things were going — the people she was responsible for could be trying at times.  But then I noticed that her reaction to me and actions toward me had everything to do with how she viewed me. What brought about her sudden change is what put me in a such a disoriented state of mind,  not her negative attitude itself.

In just a matter of minutes I was able to identify the reason behind the new way in which she greeted me, communicated with me, and exchanged with me. The reasons are the typical ones – insecurity and jealousy. She was very territorial and didn’t like the fact that I was getting a lot of attention and that others thought highly of me. Fortunately, I am experienced in handling people like this woman. However, it saddens me everytime something like this happens, but it seems as though this kind of response and reaction is something that I will always have to deal with because of the woman I am.

Throughout my adult life, it has been brought to my attention by others that the way I carry myself and the confidence and intelligence that I exude and my likeable personality is often what leads to the abrupt attitude shift that I receive when interacting with certain new personalities – particularly female personalities. It seems that some women, no matter how much older they are and how ‘mature’ some women try to portray themselves to be, are not exempt from showing signs of immaturity, insecurity, and outright jealousy.

In another recent encounter, I’ve come across a young woman who obviously believes that the most she has to offer is her physical appearance and sexuality. As I observed her interaction with others and eventually how she communicated with me, I picked up on a few things that are quite transparent to me but not to others. In first communicating with this young woman she asked me a few personal questions; my interpretation is that she wanted to see if we were alike in certain regards. I answered with a “no” to her question of whether or not I had children. I also made her aware of my age. I didn’t provide her with any other information about my life.

As she chatted some more, she told me exactly who she was interested in, told me a little about her family, her educational goals, etc. But what she didn’t know was that in all of that information that she provided me, the most important thing that I learned about her was that she was trying to impress me, one-up me even, yet at the same time she was looking for a flaw in me. In asking me these questions, she was digging for something negative that she could say about me, something that if someone were to say something positive about me, she would have ammunition to counter that. Unfortunately for her, everytime she asked me something personal about my family life or love life my answer would be “no, i’ve never …” or “no, i don’t … ” or I would have an answer for her that she did not expect.

As I mentioned earlier, when I first met this young woman she told me all about the man she is interested in. Little did she know that at the time she told me this information I have already been seeing that same exact man. I, of course, pretended not to know him at all and just let her reveal to me her thoughts and opinion of him. Of course she thought he was fine and that he was her exactly her type.  It’s interesting, because once someone informed her that he and I have been talking often, she quickly changed her song and tried to feign disinterest in the same man that she just drooled over. All of a sudden the man that she expressed to me that she wanted so badly is now not good enough for her. I’m no fool. 

She, as well as the older woman mentioned above, look to me as  competition. Why, I do not know nor do I care. But I have been in competitive environments and situations before and I usually come out on top — and not because I work hard to win these small battles — but because I do not care to win them. Little do these women know that I find their personalities and behaviour to be quite amusing and that I also couldn’t care less about stealing their limelight and taking their ‘place’ in this social situation. The place and attention that these women are fighting to keep is not what I want at all. Everything that I am, everything that I am about, and everything that I want in life is much bigger than they could ever imagine or dream. So, as these women carry on fighting a battle that I deliberately choose not to partake in, I will continue to smile and laugh knowing that the little things that these women work so hard to attain, and fight dirty to keep, are things that just come naturally to me.

So many thoughts are running through my mind lately that I often have the urge to pick up my cell and dial a friend so I can share these thoughts, but I don’t. On my way to and from the day’s destinations I come so close to pushing one of the speed dial numbers and relaying all the crazy and interesting stories from the weekend or the previous day’s outings, yet I won’t.

Over the years, I’ve grown so accustomed to sharing my life with close friends that a friend or two would often casually say that they live vicariously through me. As time went on it became a habit and almost expected of me to open up to those who were eager to listen. Yet when I look back, the communication was often one-sided and many times I would put down the phone feeling that my life was a source of entertainment for some and a soap opera that would somehow find its way to viewers and listeners that were not the intended audience.

Often I would somehow find myself being judged and critiqued by friends and ultimately friends of friends, which of course were people I didn’t even know or had barely anything to do with at all. Time and time again I would find myself wondering where people heard this fabricated story, and if the story had some tidbit of truth to it I would wonder who did the telling. Naturally, it was “friends” who spread the stories, and as with all stories that are told over and over again, they were inevitably exaggerated, twisted, and nine times out of ten didn’t even closely resemble the story that originally passed through my lips. I, of course, was often left bewildered and hurt by the backstabbing. In the end, “friends” slowly became associates who eventually became acquaintances whom I would then only acknowledge with a brief nod or wave of the hand when I would see them at local events.

As an extroverted introvert who enjoys communicating and sharing stories of my life with others, it was a hard lesson to learn. It was extremely painful to discover that the people whom I considered dear friends would go so far out of their way to cause me pain. Intimate and personal details of my life that were only meant for a friend’s ear became the talk of several get-togethers, emails, and happy hour gossip fests. Par the course, I was often blamed for things that I’ve never even said or done and I have been made the offender in many false tales. I was painted in such a horrible color that when people would actually meet me for the very first time they were often surprised that I wasn’t nearly as ugly as people made me out to be — more often than not they found me to be quite attractive.

I’ve learned so much through that difficult time in my life and through experiences that I did not expect to call my own. I can now see through the smoke screens that many believe they have me engulfed in. I have become almost an expert at deciphering the hidden meaning behind others actions and words, because whether they know it or not, their intent is not that cleverly masked. I have grown extremely conscientious of what I choose to reveal and what I choose to conceal from others. Many stories and details of my life will never be told — not for fear of intentional harm that may be inflicted upon me by those posing as concerned “friends,” but because I now know that some things, no matter how wonderfully exhilarating the adventure or how heartbreakingly painful the experience, are better left unsaid.

I have learned quite a few lessons in the past few weeks. Some lessons I thought I’ve learned and been taught already, but I guess I hadn’t, not fully anyway. But now I have. I can truly say that I won’t make the same mistake again. The mistep I made wasn’t detrimental, but it did cause a lot of tension and anxiety. Fortunately, I know the exact moment of when things started to go downhill, and I know the part I played. For that knowledge, I am thankful.

As each day passes and small changes are being made in my life I’ve noticed that the tolerance that I once had and the quiet acceptance of things that for the longest I gave credence to are no longer satisfactory to me. I can’t pinpoint the exact moment when things started to turn, but they have. Slight adjustments to the way I live my life and the way in which I conduct myself only I notice, while other changes will be noticable to others as time passes and things are revealed.

Throughout my life I’ve been affected me in more ways than I could have imagined by the people around me– and not everyone has had a positive effect. Some people should have been removed from my space a long time ago, while others should have never been around me at all. I have shared way too much personal information and facts about my life as a whole with people that didn’t even deserve to know my astrological sign. Why I used to put up with people and their issues and immature ways was beyond me for the longest time, but after intense self reflection and deep introspection, I know why I have. As much as I would like to share and connect with everyone, I know that for my own well being, I can’t. Now, I am becoming more careful in who I let in my personal and professional life and who I choose to leave outside the door.

Despite a lifelong whirlwind of events and circumstances which almost always brought about emotional turmoil, my inner strength and faith has brought me this far and I can truly say that that I’ve made it to this place in life by sheer perserverance and determination. I haven’t let events that would devistate the average person break me into pieces that can’t be put back together. My spirit and will has been tested time and time again, and although at times it has been greatly bent, it has managed to withstand intense pressure and become stronger than it was before.