In all the years of my life, I am most grateful to have gained the wisdom to discern what is right for me and what is not, when to cry “uncle” and when not to, and when to say “goodbye” and when to say “hello.” After years of an ever-present and growing feeling of discomfort, confinement, boredom and stagnation, I surrendered. I couldn’t do “it” anymore. I didn’t have it in me to fight. I didn’t want to stay. I cried “uncle” so I didn’t have to cry anymore.
The past year and a half was spent preparing for my moment of farewell, not just a “see you soon,” but a long goodbye, as I’ve realized it was time for me to move on, and away, for good. It was now or never. It was life or death. On March 6, 2009, I chose life as I made my way from Western Pennsylvania to Southern California, leaving everything familiar behind me while taking with me all that has defined me thus far.
I can’t begin to describe the feeling as I made my transition from right to left; it’s a feeling, many feelings, that words will fail to describe, as it must be experienced firsthand — the uprooting and replanting, the shifting of mind, body, and spirit as it adjusts to a new familiar which, before I arrived was already a place I called “home.” I wish I could describe it and paint you the picture with my words, but I’ve learned that some things of beauty shall remain as they are.
Moving on is an adventure that most are not prepared for emotionally; it is a journey of numerous joys, sorrows, and epiphanies as one learns and makes their way in their own way. It’s a trying time as one unloads their past and places it at the feet of their future, discarding what no longer holds meaning and treasuring what is irreplaceable. It’s a powerful time as one discovers that they’ve had it all along. It’s an awakening as longings and desires are uncovered and long-forgotten passions are pursued at last.
The minute I crossed the California State Line at 4:55 p.m. on Monday, March 9, was a moment like no other as I’ve realized just how far I’ve traveled, not just in making my way from the lush greenery of the Keystone State to the sandy beaches of the Golden State, but how far I’ve come in my life up to that very moment. An overwhelming sense of awe, pride, sadness, shock, apprehension, triumph, and joy commingled as I took in the sign that read “Welcome to California …”
And as I begin to slowly build my new life in Southern California I am continuing to realize that I have migrated not only from my former state of residence but from my many states of being …
To be continued…
