I was built on a rocky foundation. Completely unstable. One could say it was as if I were built on sand, and I wouldn’t argue because they would be correct. I never had a platform on which to stand, a foundation upon which I could build something other than castles made of sand. Yet, I tried anyway. I built many of castles of various shapes and sizes in hopes that the newly erected would outlast the previously demolished, but to no avail. I should not have been surprised that said castles of sand would not withstand the whispering winds of trouble or the mist of a brewing storm, but I was. I never understood, but now I do. Now, I do.
I’m caught in a sandstorm of life that seemingly has no end to its fury. Everything that I built thus far was, and still is, just one gust of wind away from crumbling. I know that. And I stand patiently awaiting its fall. It’s only a matter of time. And I wait. I wait.
I wait because I refuse to fight for things that can be so easily carried away. I wait because I know better than to fight the inevitable. I know better than to fight forces that are stronger than any one being. I wait because I no longer want to construct things of sand. I need something more solid, something that will not slip through my fingers.
And I’m still waiting because there are still some things that need to be washed away with little traces of their existence in order for me to rebuild something of substance. I will wait until I am only left with their shadows to remind me. I will wait for the shadows.
I want to be reminded of the times that I found myself in a battle with nature, in a battle with some forces being as seductive as an ocean breeze. I want to be reminded of the times I was lured by the promise of a promise and the times that I was hope-filled only to be let down again and again. And I don’t know why but I want to be reminded of the times that I would sometimes believe that this time would be different than the last, that this castle would be stronger, that this foundation I stood on would somehow become more firm, that these people I encountered, engaged, and was enamored with were built of something tough and sturdy that didn’t shift with the sand. But with sand in my eye, I walked blindly into the quicksand. Yet this time, this last time, I struggled, and I pulled, and I pushed as I tried to escape. And I did escape, scathed and raw. I want to be reminded of those times, those times I did escape. I did escape, and I want to be reminded.
As time passes like sand through an hourglass, I will find myself standing in the shadows of what is no longer there. I will stand in the shadows of what is no longer. In these shadows you will find me firmly standing.
But right now, I would like to think back to a time called yesterday. Yesterday I watched as my foot sunk deeper and deeper into the wet sand. I was amused at its quick descent and I smiled as I freed myself from nature’s embrace. If only all of life’s trappings were so easy to break free from. If only…
If only I were built on a solid foundation…
Believe it or not, I am still sick. Ugh. I was feeling so badly last night and this morning that I went to Urgent Care this morning because I was fearful that I had pneumonia, but it turned out that I have an ear infection and a sinus infection. Yuck. The doctor gave me 10 days worth of an antibiotic, so I should be on my way back to healthy in just a matter of days. I wish I could write a little bit more, but I am so depleted of energy.
I’m still sick. I thought it was a simple little cold or that it was my allergies acting up, but of course it wasn’t so simple and I didn’t get let off that easy. I have the flu. Times like these I am glad that I don’t have anywhere that I need to be or have anything that needs my full attention because, needless to say, I surely don’t have the energy. But hey, it could be worse, right?
