Harmonizing – SimplyHarmony.com

“Psalm 129:2 they have greatly oppressed me from my youth, but they have not gained the victory over me. I wish you well.”

I stayed up late last night writing a 1,200+ word blog entry, and I take some pleasure in reporting that it included just about every cleverly disguised curse word known to man. I was infuriated and frustrated and I wanted to let certain people know via my blog that I know. I wanted to “out” them as they called (and still call) themselves doing to me. I wanted to let these pathetic people know that what they’ve said has inevitably found its way back to its subject — me. I also wanted to let everyone know that the very same people who love to gossip and speculate about my life are the same people who’ve done X, Y, & Z. I wanted to not-so subtly remind these folks that they are not without a mistake-riddled past and present, and that I can out them at the drop of a dime. Hell, it’s a recession, I can out them at the drop of a penny.

I spent a lot of time typing up my response to every ridiculously untrue story that a friend of mine recently shared with me, and after writing “outing” after “outing” I finished the blog smug and satisfied. I saved it and read it over and over again searching for typos and adding words that would wound its intended victims. Oh yeah, I was ready to click the “publish” button.

Yet, something happened after every read-through. I felt the anger slowly dissipate. I felt removed from its source. I debated with myself whether I should hit that button and I questioned what good would come of such exposure. Would it make me feel better? Yes, albeit for a very short time. Would it change things? Definitely; it would change a few reputations and relationships in particular. Would it level the playing field? Of course. Would I turn into one of them? Unfortunately; and that is the last thing in the world that I wanted to become.

So, I didn’t publish the blog entry and it’s sitting in my private entry posts never to see the light of day. There was a time when I would let my anger rule me and I would retaliate with words that would cut a person to their core. There was a time when I would want to hurt someone just because they hurt me first. I wanted to believe in “an eye for an eye” as a form of justice and didn’t give a damn if it left everyone blind. But how long can one go around blinded to their actions and reactions? Not long. Not long at all.

Now, I believe in much more than justice; I believe in peace. I don’t need to “out” anyone as a form of self-satisfying revenge. I don’t need to get back at anyone for anything — karma can handle that. Besides, the best revenge is happiness and success. The truth always comes out in the end anyway. In my case, the truth will come out in the form of my memoir.

“… you set my soul on fire, laughing in the corner as it burns”

I’ve been thinking a lot about a lot of different things lately — not that it’s unusual for me, as I am almost in a constant mode of reflection — it’s just that due to a specific situation, my mind hasn’t ceased to bring about some new revelations and deeper innerstandings of myself and my self. In those moments of introspection and clarity I’ve come to realize…

• I miss the rain. I miss the cleansing and renewing of the mind and spirit that rain can bring about. I deeply miss those connected moments with nature. 
• A few of the people whom I thought I was close to are nothing more than fair-weather.  How disappointing.
• My well of strength runs much deeper than I could have ever imagined.
• As much as I would like for this not to be true at times, nothing lasts forever.
• Certain people will never care.
• Mistakes are simply moments in time. I wish I was a time traveler …
• Writing and wine are a good pair.
• Age is wisdom in numbers … for some people.
• Certain people will always disappoint. Yet despite the chronic letdowns, I don’t know why I am surprised .
• This may not be it for me.
• He truly does heal me in ways that no one else ever could.
• I no longer feel the desire to have certain conversations.
• I need a break from some of my activites, and I’m taking one now.
• The things I love are the things I love, and the things I don’t like, I will never like. The same goes for people.
• I am in love with authenticity.
• I am figuring it out — all of it.
• I find the lesson(s) in everything.
• I still don’t have much to say to someone who doesn’t who don’t have much to say in the first place.
• I have a lot to write.
• Without the support of a certain someone, I don’t think I would have made it out of the situation with such positivity and hope.
• I have changed in ways that I thought I already had. I’ve also changed in ways that I never thought I would.
• I have a new appreciation for all that is and all that was.
• I am fully committed to giving my all.
• I can make it through the rain.