“Psalm 129:2 they have greatly oppressed me from my youth, but they have not gained the victory over me. I wish you well.”
Out
October 13th, 2009 § 0
I stayed up late last night writing a 1,200+ word blog entry, and I take some pleasure in reporting that it included just about every cleverly disguised curse word known to man. I was infuriated and frustrated and I wanted to let certain people know via my blog that I know. I wanted to “out” them as they called (and still call) themselves doing to me. I wanted to let these pathetic people know that what they’ve said has inevitably found its way back to its subject — me. I also wanted to let everyone know that the very same people who love to gossip and speculate about my life are the same people who’ve done X, Y, & Z. I wanted to not-so subtly remind these folks that they are not without a mistake-riddled past and present, and that I can out them at the drop of a dime. Hell, it’s a recession, I can out them at the drop of a penny.
I spent a lot of time typing up my response to every ridiculously untrue story that a friend of mine recently shared with me, and after writing “outing” after “outing” I finished the blog smug and satisfied. I saved it and read it over and over again searching for typos and adding words that would wound its intended victims. Oh yeah, I was ready to click the “publish” button.
Yet, something happened after every read-through. I felt the anger slowly dissipate. I felt removed from its source. I debated with myself whether I should hit that button and I questioned what good would come of such exposure. Would it make me feel better? Yes, albeit for a very short time. Would it change things? Definitely; it would change a few reputations and relationships in particular. Would it level the playing field? Of course. Would I turn into one of them? Unfortunately; and that is the last thing in the world that I wanted to become.
So, I didn’t publish the blog entry and it’s sitting in my private entry posts never to see the light of day. There was a time when I would let my anger rule me and I would retaliate with words that would cut a person to their core. There was a time when I would want to hurt someone just because they hurt me first. I wanted to believe in “an eye for an eye” as a form of justice and didn’t give a damn if it left everyone blind. But how long can one go around blinded to their actions and reactions? Not long. Not long at all.
Now, I believe in much more than justice; I believe in peace. I don’t need to “out” anyone as a form of self-satisfying revenge. I don’t need to get back at anyone for anything — karma can handle that. Besides, the best revenge is happiness and success. The truth always comes out in the end anyway. In my case, the truth will come out in the form of my memoir.
Outcome
October 7th, 2009 § 0
I’ve been thinking a lot about a lot of different things lately — not that it’s unusual for me, as I am almost in a constant mode of reflection — it’s just that due to a specific situation, my mind hasn’t ceased to bring about some new revelations and deeper innerstandings of myself and my self. In those moments of introspection and clarity I’ve come to realize…
- I miss the rain. I miss the cleansing and renewing of the mind and spirit that rain can bring about. I deeply miss those connected moments with nature.
- A few of the people whom I thought I was close to are nothing more than fair-weather. How disappointing.
- My well of strength runs much deeper than I could have ever imagined.
- As much as I would like for this not to be true at times, nothing lasts forever.
- Certain people will never care.
- Mistakes are simply moments in time. I wish I was a time traveler …
- Writing and wine are a good pair.
- Age is wisdom in numbers … for some people.
- Certain people will always disappoint. Yet despite the chronic letdowns, I don’t know why I am surprised .
- This may not be it for me.
- He truly does heal me in ways that no one else ever could.
- I no longer feel the desire to have certain conversations.
- I need a break from some of my activites, and I’m taking one now.
- The things I love are the things I love, and the things I don’t like, I will never like. The same goes for people.
- I am in love with authenticity.
- I am figuring it out — all of it.
- I find the lesson(s) in everything.
- I still don’t have much to say to someone who doesn’t who don’t have much to say in the first place.
- I have a lot to write.
- Without the support of a certain someone, I don’t think I would have made it out of the situation with such positivity and hope.
- I have changed in ways that I thought I already had. I’ve also changed in ways that I never thought I would.
- I have a new appreciation for all that is and all that was.
- I am fully committed to giving my all.
- I can make it through the rain.
Sand & Shadows
September 28th, 2009 § 0
I was built on a rocky foundation. Completely unstable. One could say it was as if I were built on sand, and I wouldn’t argue because they would be correct. I never had a platform on which to stand, a foundation upon which I could build something other than castles made of sand. Yet, I tried anyway. I built many of castles of various shapes and sizes in hopes that the newly erected would outlast the previously demolished, but to no avail. I should not have been surprised that said castles of sand would not withstand the whispering winds of trouble or the mist of a brewing storm, but I was. I never understood, but now I do. Now, I do.
I’m caught in a sandstorm of life that seemingly has no end to its fury. Everything that I built thus far was, and still is, just one gust of wind away from crumbling. I know that. And I stand patiently awaiting its fall. It’s only a matter of time. And I wait. I wait.
I wait because I refuse to fight for things that can be so easily carried away. I wait because I know better than to fight the inevitable. I know better than to fight forces that are stronger than any one being. I wait because I no longer want to construct things of sand. I need something more solid, something that will not slip through my fingers.
And I’m still waiting because there are still some things that need to be washed away with little traces of their existence in order for me to rebuild something of substance. I will wait until I am only left with their shadows to remind me. I will wait for the shadows.
I want to be reminded of the times that I found myself in a battle with nature, in a battle with some forces being as seductive as an ocean breeze. I want to be reminded of the times I was lured by the promise of a promise and the times that I was hope-filled only to be let down again and again. And I don’t know why but I want to be reminded of the times that I would sometimes believe that this time would be different than the last, that this castle would be stronger, that this foundation I stood on would somehow become more firm, that these people I encountered, engaged, and was enamored with were built of something tough and sturdy that didn’t shift with the sand. But with sand in my eye, I walked blindly into the quicksand. Yet this time, this last time, I struggled, and I pulled, and I pushed as I tried to escape. And I did escape, scathed and raw. I want to be reminded of those times, those times I did escape. I did escape, and I want to be reminded.
As time passes like sand through an hourglass, I will find myself standing in the shadows of what is no longer there. I will stand in the shadows of what is no longer. In these shadows you will find me firmly standing.
But right now, I would like to think back to a time called yesterday. Yesterday I watched as my foot sunk deeper and deeper into the wet sand. I was amused at its quick descent and I smiled as I freed myself from nature’s embrace. If only all of life’s trappings were so easy to break free from. If only…
If only I were built on a solid foundation…
- my to-read shelf:
