On Letting Go of Old Conflicts

 Posted by on August 17, 2011  Thrive  No Responses »
Aug 172011
 

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Are you carrying around a whole bunch of stuff with you? No, not your Coach laptop bag or this season’s new Louis Vuitton- but “stuff.”  I’m talking about the stuff that’s hindering your walk and tripping you up as you go about your day-to-day — stuff such as old conflicts.

Ah, now you’re with me.

If you’re anything like the average person, you probably have an old conflict or two lingering around in your psyche that you’re not willing to let go of. These conflicts can feel like you’re carrying half the solar system on your back. But for some reason you just can’t get over it and it’s been preventing you from feeling like your most positive and resilient self.

Not a good feeling at all.

But do you want to know what typically happens while you’re clinging to an old conflict?

While you’re busy giving the person the stink-eye each time you run into him or her at a happy hour, or gossiping about him/her to your BFF, or venting and writing pseudo-subliminal messages on your Facebook status update, or using the #subtweet hashtag on Twitter when you’re not-so-subtlety dissing the person, cyber-stalking the person’s every move, or imagining fast-pushing the person into oncoming traffic — the other person has happily moved on with her/his life.

Yes, really.

Kind of makes you feel silly, immature, and stuck in the past, doesn’t it?

Listen, you’re not the only one who is guilty of this. I see it practically every single week on my Facebook and Twitter stream. And it always makes me wonder, “Sheesh, why hasn’t this person moved on and let it go?” And my thought immediately after is, “Maybe this person doesn’t want to?”

But what if you want to? What if you just want to shake off the conflict and start your days new and fresh without any lingering hostility toward or about some random situation or person from your past? What can you do about it?

Well, I thought of some ways that could get you to let go of old conflicts for good.

Confront the Situation or Person: If you have a situation that has hurt you deeply and you can’t imagine not walking away from it without having some questions answered or hearing the other person’s side of the story, simply confront it. Sounds hard and unfathomable to you? Afraid of what the other person might say? Get some courage and just do it. You will be able to walk away knowing– whether you like the outcome or not – that you did address it. Or, if you prefer, leave things just as they are and continue to hang on to the conflict as if you’re life depends on it. It’s your choice.

Heal: In order to heal you must accept that this conflict did exist and that you still view it as unresolved — and most importantly that it is OK. Understand your role in the situation and the other party’s role as well. Once you accept all of these things, you are no longer resisting the situation and are able to heal. Healing requires focusing your energy on positive forces in your life – love, the power of positive thoughts, kind words, good deeds, and looking toward something bigger than yourself to fix the problem. Focus on the healing; and once you heal, you can look at the situation in a different and more positive light.

Grow: As with any situation in life, you learn by growing from it. Take your unresolved old conflicts, analyze them, and examine them closely for what you can learn from them. Look for answers to the question: “How can I grow from this?” And don’t just internalize it and ponder how you can grow. Growing requires movement and motion. Put what you’re learned into action. And remember that all things work out for your good. Really, they do.

Let Go: Once you realize that you are the one responsible for your thoughts, actions, moods, and life, you will understand that the only person that is able to resolve any of these conflicts is you. And how you resolve them is entirely up to you as well. Ask yourself if you are reliving the past and ask yourself if what you really want is a better and brighter future. If the answers to both of the questions are yes, then simply put your energy into letting go of the conflict instead of draining your energy by constantly thinking about the past.

The past is over. It’s gone. The conflict is old. Simply let it go.

How do you handle old conflicts? Do you let them linger or do you just drop them? Share in the comment section below.

A Plea for Positivity – When Social Media Becomes A Tragic Turn-Off

 Posted by on May 10, 2011  Thrive  No Responses »
May 102011
 

Do you find yourself constantly updating your Facebook status with your daily woes? Do you Tweet your complete disdain for all things alive and dead on an hourly basis?

Or are you on the other end of the social media spectrum and find yourself avoiding your Facebook page like the plague? Do you catch yourself logging into your Twitter account and sending up a prayer that your timeline isn’t full of bitter and toxic tweets?

Whether you are the Negative Nelly dumping your inner turmoil all over your friend’s home pages or you are the Peppy Patty ducking from someone else’s purging of problems, negativity in social media is something that we all experience – willingly or not.

We all know that everyone has a bad day from time to time. It’s nothing new. Bad traffic, a rain or snow storm, a narcissistic boss, terrible customer service, a fight with your significant other, an annoying colleague, a falling out with a best friend, out of control kids, and the rising cost of gas are all events and experiences that we all must suffer through.

But is this post-worthy?

Sure. At times.

A random status update or tweet about such things every pink moon is normal and expected. However, posting negative news on a daily or hourly basis is not.

Social media sites such as Facebook and Twitter are prime internet soil for negativity to grow like weeds; and complaints, snarky comments, vents, insults, and snide remarks have become a major trend. It doesn’t matter if you are using your Facebook or Twitter pages for professional reasons or if you’re using it to simply keep in touch with close friends and family, updating your status message to gripe or tweet downer messages is not good for your image. In fact, it makes you look like a glass half-empty kind of gal (or guy).

Clearly, complaining and tossing insults on social media sites is an easy habit to get into and the comments cheering you on and the “friends” rallying around you can make you feel that you are not alone in your rants and opinions. But if your negative updates aren’t outdone by your plethora of positive posts (or at least balanced) you may just be one the many Negative Nellies or Neds whom your friends and followers on the other end of the aforementioned spectrum are ducking and deleting at rapid speed.

Habits are hard as heck to break. Yes. And turning a sour and negative outlook on life and all of its counterparts into a sunny positive disposition seems like one of the most difficult tasks to undertake regarding one’s online (and offline) persona. In fact, it was merely a week ago that I read of one woman’s struggle to survive 7 days online without writing one mean or negative comment. (She didn’t make it past a couple of days!)

And for various reasons, sometimes it seems as if it is almost impossible to create a negativity-free zone online. We participate in the negative drama because it’s all we know and are used to and therefore can’t stop. Many of us continue to tolerate these annoying tweets and Facebook updates because, well, these people are our friends or family. And many of us put up with the nonsense because, well, we are not the ones posting this stuff. We participate. We ignore. We rationalize. Right? Right.

But here’s the thing: You can make the changes for a more positive and happier online social media environment. It’s a simple matter of wanting a more pleasant experience and then making the changes to create it. Whether those changes are for you to stop or decrease your negative updates, post more positive and inspiring status and tweets, unfriend and unfollow Negative Nellyies and Neds, or shut down your pages and leave the social media world behind temporarily or permanently, the choices are all there for you to make.

The bottom line: You are the sole person responsible for your social media environment. Make it a positive one as possible.

Social Networking: The Loss of Intimacy & How to Get it Back

 Posted by on April 13, 2011  Thrive  No Responses »
Apr 132011
 

Lately I’ve been feeling that with the seemingly endless rise in the use of social networking websites such as Facebook and Twitter, we are at risk of losing intimacy in some of our closest relationships. After only a couple of years of engaging in these two sites, I can’t help but wonder: Can intimacy in our friendships and relationships survive in a social networking world?

The Meaning of Intimacy

According to Merriam Webster, intimacy is defined as: 1 – the state of being intimate: familiarity and 2- something of a personal or private nature.

To be ‘intimate’ with someone has many different meanings for many different people across a variety of cultures, genders, and age groups. Even with that in mind, when many people think of intimacy they immediately imagine it as being of a physical or sexual nature. However, intimacy is so much more than that.

Intimacy in friendships and relationships is the act of sharing yourself on a social, emotional, and intellectual level. Intimacy is the idea of personalizing your interactions and communication with others one-on-one or in a group setting. Intimacy is bonding and developing close-knit relationships with others. And for us to reach this level of an almost antiquated type of relationship today, it requires more than keyboard communication.

The Pre-Social Networking Glory Days

I often reflect on the days when special announcements such as engagements, weddings, illnesses, deaths, and any other life changing events were only made to those who needed to know, i.e., real life friends and family. Now with such social networking giants like Facebook and Twitter, many people are choosing to broadcast these occasions to all their Facebook friends and Twitter followers who are both known and unknown to them. We are all guilty of this at one point in time in our foray into social networking, me included.

So why do we post such things online? And who are we posting to?

On any given day that I login to Facebook I am bombarded with images of positive pregnancy tests, ultrasound photos, a snapshot of someone’s husband or wife lying in bed, or a photo-play of their wife/girlfriend/baby’s mother giving birth at home or a hospital. None of which, pre-social networking days, would we be privy to.

Prior to Facebook, I would not have been able to view the ultrasound photos of my former classmate’s baby. Nor would I have seen the hospital photos or videos of their baby being born. I wouldn’t have seen the engagement rings and wedding bands of former colleagues. And I definitely would not have been shown pictures of their honeymoon suites or slideshows of the interior and exterior of their new home. So why are we sharing such personal photos and information with people whom we have little-to-no contact with outside of our computers? Are we sharing simply because Facebook makes it so much easier for us to do so?

“Let’s Be Friends”

When I think of Facebook recently, I can’t help but picture the old school cartoons (and dolls) that would invite us into their imaginary colorful worlds with such inviting phrases like, “Let’s Be Friends! We’ll do things together!”

As a kid, naturally we would believe such things and create all kinds of activities we would do together and we couldn’t wait for the adorable ‘toon to share her days and secrets with us … and vice versa. This cutey ‘toon and I are now friends!

But when you grow up you realize that it’s all just make believe.

Facebook friends are just like those animated cartoons. We look at all the photos and we read all of the status of our ‘friends’ and we develop some sort of false intimacy with one another. We exchange inbox messages, we comment on photos, and we chat. But is all of it true intimacy? And are we really friends?

I must confess that I have little to no contact with about 90% of my wonderful Facebook friends offline, yet I am privy to their most amazing moments that they share online.  And if we are all completely honest with ourselves, we would readily admit that we do not talk on the phone nor do we spend time off the internet with the vast majority of these great people we added to our friends list. Yet, we add them on a regular basis and give them access to our personal photos, conversations with others, and our daily thoughts and vents. One must ask the question why?

To put it somewhat into better perspective, here is what one person posted as their Facebook status message:

“… To be honest, I am only interested in seeing what a few of you have been up to.”

This is just one person’s feelings. I am quite certain that there are millions of others who feel the exact same way. So again, if a person has hundreds or even thousands of Facebook friends, and they only genuinely care about a select few, why are we sharing our lives with these people?

The Convenience Cop Out

We all know that people today are pressed for time and are always looking for ways to complete tasks faster and to do many things at once. And with social networking sites such as Facebook, we are now able to share our good news (and anything else we want the world to know) with everyone in one big sweeping post. But are real friendships and other important relationships worth cutting corners and seeking the easy way out?

Using social networking sites as a primary form of communication with friends and family does not create warm and cherished relationships. In fact, it keeps people at a distance and creates a somewhat cold and superficial environment of false friendships.

You might argue: “How can it create distance when I’m telling them what is going on in my life?”

I’ll share a personal story: A couple years ago I stumbled upon a close friend’s announcement on a social networking site that she made her first major purchase – a home. I was somewhat hurt and almost couldn’t believe that she told people whom she has no real relationship with before telling me -her close friend at the time. (To clarify, she told me that she was looking for a house, but didn’t tell me that she actually bought one.) I didn’t say anything about it to her then, but I wish I did. And with more and more friends joining Facebook, I’ve experienced several situations like that since then.

Who wants to learn of such fantastic news about her friend online? I surely didn’t. And if you ask yourself the same question, I’m pretty sure you’ll have to agree that you wouldn’t either.

Facebook allows us the convenience of sharing personal milestones such as these and making them public to a large number of people. Unfortunately, if one is not careful, they could hurt the feelings of their closest and dearest friends and family by not sharing news and moments with them before posting it online.

I invite you to reflect on your recent interactions with your real life friends and family. Ask yourself this question: How have I shared my most important news with my loved ones, was it online or offline?

Ponder Before Posting

So here’s the thing: Relationships cannot survive in just a social networking world alone. Genuine friendships require offline and authentic connecting to flourish. And the key to any successful relationship is not only communication but intimate communication.

In order to maintain/create intimacy in my friendships, I like to periodically ‘check’ myself before posting anything on Facebook or Twitter.

I thought I’d share with you a few questions for you to ponder before you post.

  • Is Facebook and social networking sites your primary means of communicating with friends and family?
  • When you post online, is what you are posting meant for everyone on your friends list or just for a few people?
  • If it’s not for everyone, could this have been shared over the phone, in person, or via email instead?
  • Have your relationships suffered since joining Facebook or online social networking websites, and if so, in what ways?
  • Have you lost friendships/relationships due to your sharing either TMI about yourself or others?
  • Have you have ended friendships due to others posting photos or other information that you didn’t want shared?
  • When you want to share with your friends and family, what do you think of first: posting on Facebook or picking up the phone and calling?
  • If social networking website didn’t exist, would that limit the number of people you share your personal information and moments with? And why?

Thriving Not Surviving

The world is always changing and creating new high-tech ways for us to communicate with one another — all of which is eagerly anticipated and much-needed. However, as old fashioned as it may seem, many people prefer talking on the phone to texting, a birthday phone call to a birthday post on a Facebook wall, and paper greeting card to an e-card.

I am one of those people.

As I get older and mature, my desire for authenticity and intimacy in all of my relationships gets stronger and stronger. When my then- fiancé proposed to me last year, I made it a point to phone my girlfriends and certain family members before posting my exciting news on Facebook. I value the genuine bonding opportunity in such personal moments that build trust and intimacy that cannot be found in online social networking interactions. And when my hubby and I eloped, we shared that milestone in the same manner. (Wasn’t that one of the ways people shared before social networking came along?)

Intimacy doesn’t have to be lost to social networking; if we strive to build it offline first our relationships will not only survive but thrive in any medium.